Between the Lines
by Mariah94
Summary: They've always had a way of communicating without saying what they really wanted to say. But today, Olivia was tired of reading between the lines. EO. Chapter 5 up now.
1. Chapter 1

Hey guys, Mariah here. I've been in a deep state of depression lately, but somehow I was actually able to write some EO. Needlesstosay, I miss Elliot. This is AU as in: Kathy is gone, and the Necklace scene has been changed in two ways. 1. Olivia found the necklace when cleaning out Elliot's desk (fyi I think she really did...go check out the scene) and 2. The deleted scene where she does get his little note thing...the medal is actually a police badge, not the marine one. This starts off right when she gets the envelope from El in the deleted scene and I go on from there. It's three parts, and here is part one!

The entire fic was mused by the song Believe Me by Fort Minor. I built off of the mood from that song.

parts 2 and 3 are finished, but I'm not sure if I should post them. Not sure if the EO fandom lives on...let me know what you think and I'll post part 2!

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><p>Part One<p>

"Detective..."

Olivia took one look at the package and her heart stopped. She couldn't breathe, and if it wasn't for the audience of colleagues watching her with unmasked, knowing expressions, she would stay frozen in place until she could again. For clarification, she scanned the letter and bit her tongue to keep herself from crying out. She knew it was his handwriting, but seeing the name Elliot Stabler scripted onto the package turned all of her wishes into reality. But along with her wishes came fear.

In front of her, Olivia finally had the answers she has wanted...that she has needed. She's spent the last nine months wondering and making herself believe reasonable explanations for his sudden disappearance. But all of the wondering was about to end. He was finally going to speak to her.

Olivia never realized she had become so engrossed in her thoughts that she had sat down at her desk. How long had she been outside of reality? She glanced at the envelope in front of her and quickly slid her shaking fingers under the seal. A small card like paper sat in her palm and disappointment set into her bones as she realized that was all the envelope contained.

The small paper opened up and her eyes fell on the small badge taped onto the left side of the paper. Her fingers ran across the cool metal and her knees went weak, knowing that his fingers had run across the very same spot just days ago. She forced her eyes away from the one thing that brought them together over twelve years ago and fell on three short words.

**_Semper Fi  
>El<em>**

Olivia finally breathed and along with that breath came her feelings. Her eyes automatically started to water, a recent habit that started with any mention of her partner, but she forced the tears off. She could feel the eyes of her colleagues on her. They knew who had sent her the package.

She dropped the paper and let out a frustrated growl that turned into a strangled moan. The emotional walls she had spent the last nine months putting up came crashing down because of three words and a fucking badge. The detective slammed the paper on her desk as an unaided rage fell across her body. Over nine months of nothing and he sends along some cliché marine saying? Was she supposed to read between the lines? Because Olivia Benson was tired of reading between the lines. She's done it for twelve years with her hard headed partner and she was tired of trying. Elliot wanted to play a game of hide and seek with words but she wanted her answers as straight up as they could come.

_I don't want to be the one to blame…you like fun and games? Keep playing 'em…I'm just saying. Think back then we was like one and the same- on the right track, but I was on the wrong train- Just like that, now you've got to face the pain and the devil's got a fresh new place to play. In your brain like a maze you can never escape the rain… Every damn day is the same shade of grey._

The detective picked up the envelope and shoved the now cracked badge and crinkled paper into it. She jumped out of her chair and ignored the aggressive shuffling of papers from her coworkers as they busied themselves from her business. Olivia did the walk of shame across the unusually silent bullpen towards her captains office, but stopped suddenly as Cragen emerged. It was as if he knew she was coming.

"Sir-" she started as the Captain walked the few steps to where she stood.

"Olivia, he's _gone_."

"Excuse me?"

Cragen pointed to the envelope she was clutching to her side. "Elliot. He's gone."

Was he rubbing it in her face or something? Olivia knew Cragen wasn't trying to be mean about it, but he had been pretty harsh with Olivia when it came to Elliot since he left.

"I know that..."

"Have you finally found your closure?"

Olivia gaped at her captain. Closure? "What are you-"

"Don't stupid me, Olivia. I've been watching you for ten minutes. The letter was obviously from Stabler."

"It wasn't a letter." Olivia argued. It was a fucking note. If that.

"Whatever it was, it's not a reason to run away from your job to process it."

"What? I'm not running away…"

Cragen nearly laughed aloud. "Olivia, were you not coming to my office to ask for the day off?"

"Yes, but-"

"He's gone. Your priority is here. You and Nick have an active case to work through."

Olivia struggled with her words. He was right…but she couldn't stay. "Munch will help him out."

"You're his partner. Nick is _your _partner."

"He's not...I mean... I have to go-" Olivia started to turn but her Captain grabbed hold of her arm.

"Olivia-"

"Sir, please. I'm leaving." Olivia stubbornly pulled her arm away from the captain's grasp and started to walk away.

"You were in love with him."

Olivia froze, and so did the rest of the precinct. Both Fin and Munch choked on the air in their lungs before shuffling papers around. Typical "I didn't hear it" language that means you obviously heard it. The now red faced detective turned to face her captain, but he avoided her gaze as if ashamed of what he said.

Nobody has ever spoken of her relationship with Elliot in that way… and the _captain _of all people should know not to… was it that obvious? Hell, anybody who had seen the two of them together knew. But nobody has dared to speak of it aloud. It just…the subject was never brought up.

twelve years Olivia Benson kept her feelings hidden, and for the most part (on her good days) aside from the job. It was a habit; she didn't think twice of it. And now her captain blows it all up…in front of her colleagues. Olivia wasn't embarrassed. No. She could never be ashamed of her feelings. She was just shell shocked and angry. She didn't _want_ to feel that way and she was tired of Elliot conflicting with her work. He was no longer here…so he should no longer be mentioned.

The detective knew this would be one hell of a mess to clean up, but she couldn't worry about that now. She needed to go.

"Well…wow. I'm just…going to go now Don." Olivia shuffled her feet as if waiting for the captain to explain himself.

"Olivia, wait. I didn't-"

_Hey…I used have a little bit of a plan. Used to have a concept of where I stand. But that concept slipped right out of my hands and…now I don't really even know who I am. What do I have to say? Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free. Whatever happens to you, we'll see…but it's not gonna happen with me._

"How could I not be?" Olivia finally spoke and brought her eyes back to the captain. _"How could I not be?"_she repeated, her voice showing the anger and emotion that filled her insides. Her body shook as the feelings that had consumed her for nearly thirteen years finally broke from her heart and found words.

Cragen, who obviously wasn't expecting the answer he received, straightened up and frowned at the detective. The silence was so deafening and full of acknowledgement –and so obviously awkward- she was sure everybody's ears were red, not just hers.

"Sir…I need the day off. I'm going whether or not you allow me the leave time."

"You can go." He finally set her free.

And so she went.

_Were you real, or was it all for show? Your heart can't feel, 'cause if it could you would stop yourself and see the way I need for you to set me free. (Changing Colors; It's Alive)_


	2. Chapter 2

Part Two

It wasn't like Olivia gave up on him. She called. For three months. Every day she would take the time out to call him, but his phone would go straight to voicemail. She didn't care if he didn't say anything, she just wanted to make sure he was okay…but she got nothing.

She even went to his house once. But as she pulled onto the side of the street she watched as Kathy played outside with Eli and another man. It was pretty obvious Elliot no longer lived with his wife…or now ex wife. She didn't know. Because he just disappeared on her.

If she searched really hard, Olivia was sure she could hunt down his new address and go to him herself. But she didn't want to do that. She wanted Elliot to come to her, because if he was avoiding her…then he didn't want to see her. And she wasn't about to intrude. What if he had a new life? All of the thoughts and explanations ran through her head. Every day. Every moment her heart ached to know what was going on with her now MIA partner.

But Elliot has contacted her now. It wasn't much, but it was enough for Olivia to decide to take matters into her own hands.

Olivia reached across the consol of her vehicle, but instead of grabbing the envelope, she accidently knocked it onto the floor. Olivia groaned and glanced back at the road, waiting for the next red light to grab it. It seemed like ages before a red one came. And the light had actually turned yellow late enough for her to continue through, but her desperation to get the envelope caused her to slam on her breaks, inducing a honk from the truck behind her. She ignored the angry driver and leaned over for the envelope, but another object caught her eye as she took hold of the small package. She looked down at her chest and remembered that she had been carrying a piece of Elliot Stabler all long.

It was his Semper Fidelis necklace.

How could she forget? She had come across it when Cragen told her to clean out his desk –which was probably the most painful thing she's ever done- and she _tried_ to contact Elliot about it, so he could pick it up. But of course, no answer. So one day, she put it on herself. It wasn't much, but it was something.

_Damn him! _

This time there were no colleagues around to stop her tears and because of that they came twice as hard. She cried at the red light because she hated him for doing this to her. And she loved him for letting her know he still cared. But at this point she couldn't take this. She was either going to see Elliot face to face or all contact would be cut off. She couldn't handle an in between. Not after everything they had been through. After thirteen years… she deserved more.

_Back then, I thought you were just like me. Somebody who could see all the pain I see. But you proved to me unintentionally…that you would self destruct eventually. Now I'm thinking like the mistake I made doesn't hurt, but it's not gonna work 'cause it's really much worse than I thought. I wished you were something that you're not, and now this guilt is really all that I've got._

The angry driver behind Olivia started to honk continuously. The detective glanced up and noticed that her light had turned green. The driver started to pull out in front of her but she was already slamming her foot into the gas pedal. With screeching tires, she took a familiar left turn into the area she lived in. Another glance at the address and she knew where she was going.

_Son of a bitch._

Olivia Cursed her –for lack of a better term- partner...ex partner. Whatever. Of course, he would get a place _literally_ across the street from hers. Olivia suddenly felt sick with the salty realization that he's been mere meters away from her this whole time. She had no idea…but Elliot on the other hand could have been watching her every move. No, if he was still the Elliot Stabler –jackass with a protective attitude- then he was definitely keeping up with her. No other reason to move into the bum area across from hers. Elliot's been with her the entire time…

And that pissed her off.

It wasn't fair that Elliot got to keep tabs yet she had to go through the motions every day –pretend she was fine- and pray to a God she didn't believe in that he was okay and not off on some crazy spell getting himself killed.

It wasn't fair that she had to be alone and assume that the partner she had come to love and believe in no longer cared enough to call…or even text.

Not even a goodbye.

There was no more hesitation in Olivia's features. She was tired of wondering. It was time to cut the cake and find out what was really going on.

Her car door slammed behind her as the New York chill bit at her aching features. Once across the street her fear reflexes kicked in and her mind screamed run. She didn't have to do this. He didn't deserve this, and the last thing she needed was another broken heart. She could just go home…to her apartment across the street.

_Fuck him._

The detective swallowed her fears as she took the apartment steps two at a time. A quick flash of the badge got her by the evening door attendant and into the sketchy elevator. Three floors up and two hallways into the building, Olivia Benson stood in front of the location printed across the envelope in her left hand.

She was finally here. She would finally get some well-deserved answers. This was it. She was going to speak her mind…tell this son of a bitch how well she was doing without him. How she could barely breathe when anyone mentioned his name. How she nearly loses herself every night when she dreams about him. How she can hardly keep herself professional at work because everything reminds her of him. She wanted him to know what everybody else already knew. It was about time he realized that when he left…her floodgates broke open.

She was beyond broken.

Her fist pounded into the wooden door of his apartment. When her hand went numb she pulled back and waited for a response to her insistent knocking. She didn't breathe as she counted; _one, two, three_

_Ten, eleven-_

But she got nothing.

"Elliot!"

Her fist met the door again, but harder this time. Her knuckles screamed but her heart screamed louder. She had made it this far…and she was going to make sure Elliot knew that.

"Dammit Elliot open this door!"

The silence she received in return was killing her. She made it this far but was getting nowhere. He called out for her with his little note and now she was answering. But he wasn't giving in. He wouldn't let her see him.

All she wanted was a goodbye. A proper fucking goodbye.

_Fuck him_.

He didn't have the right to screw with her head like this,.

Olivia nearly ripped the necklace off of her as she pulled it over her head. She shoved it in the envelope before dropping it to the floor and kicking it under his door.

She didn't need this.

So she walked away.

_You turned your back, and walked away in shame. All you have left is a memory of pain. Nothing makes sense so you stare at the ground…I hear my voice in your head when no one else is around. What do I have to say? Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free. Whatever happens to you, we'll see. But it's not going to happen with me._

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><p>He knew she was there before she knocked. Call it whatever you want but he knew. And when her knocking started, he knew she was angry. She got his letter and apparently wasn't too happy about it.<p>

Nine months ago he left because he couldn't do it anymore. He left and he was too scared to say anything so he tucked his tail between his legs and ran. He ran away from everything.

His job, his now ex wife, his kids.

_Her._

He was a monster…nobody needed him.

At first it was okay. He was living in a shabby motel room, his diet consisting of some cheap drinks from the local gas station and cold pizza. He slept until he needed to relieve himself, and then he drank until he passed out. It was perfect.

But then he saw her.

Three months after he left he saw her get out of her issued vehicle with _him_ –who he later identified as Nick Amaro- and head across the parking of his motel. Elliot –who was a pro at tail tucking- ducked behind a car and watched. They were arguing.

"_I need to know you can do your fucking job."_

"_I've been doing it a lot longer than you Amaro so you better shut your fucking mouth."_

"_Your job was with him…you don't even trust me-"_

"_Don't talk about him."_

He knew immediately who _he_ was. And fuck this Nick guy for thinking she couldn't do her job. She was perfect. She could do anything. And anybody who didn't know that didn't deserve to breathe the same air as her.

His instinct was to jump out from behind his hidey hole and show this guy exactly what he was worth, but then he caught a glimpse of her face as they climbed the stairs to the second floor of the motel. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't move.

Jesus. She was going to kill him.

By the time his heartbeat evened out they were back in the car and driving away. Fuck him for not making himself noticeable.

It was then that Elliot realized….he couldn't be away from her.

So what did he do? He rented an apartment…cleaned up his act a little. He was still the monster he was six months ago but now…now he woke up at a decent hour. Every morning he watched out his window…waiting for her. Waiting to see that beautiful face.

Some mornings she seemed okay. Others he would see her pause outside of her door and even from a distance he could tell she was lost. But how could she be lost when she knew exactly where to go?

It certainly wasn't because of him. He was a monster.

So he blamed her new partner.

He denied that he was the reason for her pain. He denied that he was the reason she sat in her car for an hour, just staring into the passenger seat, before heading into her apartment building every night. He denied it because he was a coward. And he was a monster. She would get over it, eventually.

And he wasn't a stalker.

"Dammit Elliot open the door!"

He almost did.

But he knew what would happen when she saw him. She would see the monster he was and laugh in his face. She would laugh at his attempt to finally reach her and then leave. He could feel her anger radiating into his apartment.

She knew where he lived, so she knew he was keeping up with her. What the fuck was he thinking? She would kill him.

He didn't move. His couch was comfortable…and he was doing just fine avoiding her like the plague. He shouldn't have sent her anything…he didn't deserve anything from her.

He was a monster.

He heard shuffling under the door and finally his cowardly self moved. He slowly made his way to the door and his bare feet felt the envelope between him. He leaned down to get it but his heart sank as he felt the weight.

Without getting up he opened the envelope and let the contents fall onto the floor. He saw his note…his badge –his cracked badge. And then he saw something he hadn't seen in years. His necklace…the one he kept in his desk. One day, he was going to give it to her. He just never found the time…

But she had found it.

He brought it to his lips. It smelled like her.

_Fuck me._

He needed to see her.

_Oh…what are you doing to me? I'm so into you, and the hardest part is knowing that I'll never follow through. You're slowly killing me, and I wish it wasn't true…'cause I'm so into you. –Hedley, Trip._


	3. Chapter 3

So...I lied. After touching this up I decided I needed to split it into two chapters. It was touching 5,000 words and it was just _too much_ to post at once. So now it's a 5 parter...maybe more. I don't want to finish it yet. This story has kind of...changed mood. I wasn't going for this, but it came out this way...so I'm going with it. I can't help it that my muse is in a refusal angsty kind of mood this week. Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy. And I apologize in advance for leaving you the way I did ;D new chapter soon.

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><p>Part Three<p>

_It's 4:03 and I can't sleep without you next to me…I toss and turn like the sea. If I drown tonight, bring me back to life…breathe your breath in me. The only thing that I still believe in is you…if you only knew.  
><em>

The persistent knocking on her door only reminded her that she was still awake. It was well past four in the morning and she had to be up in two hours for work. After the day's events though, sleep wasn't exactly an option. So instead of closing her eyes, she simply grieved over herself.

She was pathetic. _There's nothing to grieve over_, she kept telling herself but nothing seemed to fill the empty space in her chest. She was hallow, and it was because of _him_.

Olivia knew who was at her door. Who else could it be? However, just because Elliot Stabler had been knocking on her door for the last five minutes…it didn't mean she had to get out of bed to answer him. She didn't have to do anything for him.

"Olivia!"

The sound of his voice, though muffled by the walls, caused her to sit upright. She couldn't breathe.

_Him._

Nine months. She hadn't heard that voice in nine agonizing months. Olivia hated it. She hated him. He wasn't supposed to get to her this way. He was not a part of her world anymore. He made that clear.

Why did he do this to her?

"Liv, I know you're in there."

She couldn't do this. He needed to go. She needed him gone before he shattered her more.

"Please, Olivia."

She wouldn't budge. She repeated this to her even as her body betrayed her and walked into the living room. She wouldn't go any farther, though. She planted herself behind her couch. He would stop knocking. He would give up eventually.

Just like she did.

She gave up, because she was tired of trying. She fought with him for thirteen years, and she was done. Why should she keep trying? He didn't need her, so she didn't need him either.

Except she did.

He didn't have to know that though. He had already broken her in so many ways…she would move on. Nine months. Nine months…and she was finally making progress. And then he had to waltz his way back into her life.

Why couldn't he just stay away?

"Olivia…I'm going to use my key."

Shit. He still had that?

"I still have it."

"This isn't an emergency, E- You can leave!" Olivia called across the room before covering her mouth. She couldn't even say _his _name.

And now he _knows_ she's here.

She heard him fumbling with her doorknob and as she made herself around the couch, she knew the door was unlocked. He paused though. And so did she.

She silently begged him to leave. Don't make it harder on her. _Don't go through with this._ For the first time, she wanted Elliot to give up on a fight. _Just walk away. _Walk away like she did. _Let's leave this unsaid._

But then her door was open and he was walking in.

"What makes you think-" She couldn't finish because suddenly she saw him. Her partner. Her best friend. _Elliot._ She had to bite back her cry because he was suddenly here and she couldn't do this.

For the first time in nine months…their eyes met. His blue eyes ran over the entire length of her and she felt completely naked. He didn't have the _right_.

"Liv-" she watched as he hesitated by her doorway.

"Don't do this." She finally spoke, but her voice was hardly loud enough for her.

"What?"

"Don't," she told him. She was shaking. Her voice was hardly recognizable.

He didn't have the right to do this to her.

"Please…Liv." He reached for her and she only added more distance between them. His hands awkwardly dropped to his sides.

"You did this." she paused. "You left." she couldn't even look him in the eye. "I don't want you here."

"You're lying."

"You think I want anything to do with my partner who couldn't even bother with a _goodbye_?" She moved then. She was in front of him in three seconds, and she was thankful that he was frozen in place. Olivia ignored the overwhelming sense of _him _as he reached for her and she forcefully grabbed his keys.

She quickly distanced herself as she willed her trembling hands to remove her key. The one she gave him for emergencies. The one he'll never use again. This way he'll never get to come back. Never put her through this again.

"I couldn't tell you…I could never say –I couldn't ever leave you, Olivia."

"But you did," she angrily spat back, her fingers still working for her key. She was shaking so badly…her body betrayed her actions. The key wasn't budging.

"I've been across the street this whole time."

"Did I know that? Nine months I've just been wondering." She shook her head, laughing at his attempted excuse. "I've been praying that you were okay."

She didn't even believe in God. Or a higher power for that. This is what he's done to her. He's had her so strung up she started praying…started begging to somebody…_anybody_…she just wanted to know he was okay. Now she knew he was…and now she wanted him gone.

"I'm sorry."

Olivia laughed aloud, her tears escaping from behind her eyelids. She didn't even bother hiding it. Let him see what he did to her.

"You think that's enough? An apology? Thirteen years and I get two fucking words from you?"

She hated him. She loved him.

She wanted him _gone_.

She needed him.

"What do you want?"

_You._

She choked back the breath she didn't realize she was holding. She dared herself to take a step towards him. He moved towards her, and she paused.

He wasn't getting it.

"I want you to go, E- Elliot…I want you to leave."

"No you don't."

"No." she finally raised her voice. "_No._ I've been coping. And now you're here…and _I don't want this_!" She closed the distance between them and shoved her hand into his chest, pushing him through her open door and into the hallway. "Just go!" He tried to grab hold of her hand but instead he got his key ring, now one key lighter.

"_Go_," she practically growled.

"No."

"I don't want you here."

She watched as Elliot's grin widened. His eyes darkened, and he narrowed them at her. "Stop lying to yourself, Olivia. You want me here."

"I've been fine without you, you son of a bitch."

Fuck him. He didn't deserve to see her like this. She was _fine _without him.

"You can lie to yourself all you want, Olivia. But you can't lie to me." He leaned forward. "You forget how well I know you."

"How well you _knew_ me." she went to push him again, but he caught her midway and forced her hands down. "Let's not forget that you left." She started to back away but his hands grabbed at her waist, holding her possessively in her doorway.

"Liv-" he spoke through clenched teeth. His grip tightened. "Let me talk."

"Get…your hands off me."

"Stop pushing me away." Elliot moved forward, and she couldn't breathe again.

She needed him.

"You don't have the right." she tried to pull his hands from her but he only dug his fingers farther into her skin.

She didn't even notice the pain. All she knew was Elliot Stabler had his hands on her and she need him _gone._ This was getting out of hand. She knew the look in his eyes, and she also knew that if she didn't end this soon…her weakness would take her.

This was going to break her.

"Give me a chance to explain."

She narrowed her eyes. "You don't deserve another chance. Now get your hands off me and get the hell out of my life."

Her anger only fed his desire because his hands moved to her face but she moved faster. With her body free, she slammed her hands into his shoulder. The gravity tossed him into the wall opposite her door and he groaned. She retreated into her apartment and watched from a distance as his eyes narrowed.

"Fuck you, Elliot. Don't come back here." Olivia literally threw her door closed, but Elliot was faster.

He pushed against the door before Olivia could close it and possibly close him out forever. He over powered her and forced his way back into the apartment. Elliot faced the detective and chuckled at her puzzled expression before shoving her roughly into the door, causing it to slam with an impossibly loud crack.

"I'm not finished." he seethed. "You don't even know-"

Without thought or hesitation, Olivia grasped the detective's jacket and pulled him into her, their lips colliding with enough force to knock the two of them over.


	4. Chapter 4

Hey guys...I'm sorry. I was planning on getting this up sooner because even that cliffhanger had me asking for more. But my muse decided to change things around _again_ and now this story could very well be...a lot of parters. Next chapter, everything starts to fall back into place though. It isn't over yet. But, Elliot is seriously damaged and I don't think there's any healing for him any time soon. Olivia's going to realize that though...right now she's pissed off. But soon she'll see that he's broken.

Enjoy. I had a lot of fun writing this. Ended up cutting out the second half for the next chapter...just to, you know...build suspense.

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><p>4<p>

_How did I get here…and what went wrong? Couldn't handle forgiveness, and now I'm far beyond gone…_

For a moment, Elliot was completely taken off guard and he swore he was dreaming, but then her hands were on his chest, grabbing at the fabric of his shirt and pulling him even closer.

Holy shit. All of the anger inside him diminished because he had _her._

Elliot finally responded.

He groaned as he responded to her lips. His hands went for her waist, her back, and finally settled in the waves of her hair. He was crazy for her. But as his tongue dared to travel across her lower lip, silently asking for her to open up, she started to push him away.

_No._

Elliot's thumb grazed the side of her face. Across her cheek, under her eyelids. He wiped the tears that were falling and only kissed her harder.

_No._

"Don't," he whispered across her lips and he ignored the fact that she was no longer kissing him back. She was no longer responding, but that didn't stop him. He kissed her chin, her cheek, her nose, anything he could.

Because he couldn't lose her.

His lips were grazing the side of her neck and that's when she lost it. They were soft at first, as if she were _warning_ him. But he wasn't listening. He only buried himself farther into the crook of her neck. But the next blow hit him hard, and for a moment he lost his breath.

_Fuck_.

She didn't stop though, she continued to hit him in his lower abdomen. Blow after blow.

"I hate you," Olivia cried as she tried to push him back.

He didn't let her though. With both hands planted on either side of her, he held his head over her shoulder but didn't make any attempt to avoid the pounding of her fists. They started getting higher, and his ribcage was begging for a break. But he stood still, tense, and he didn't make a sound.

Because he deserved this.

"I…" Olivia's fists dug into his gut, "_hate_ you."

Elliot finally found the will to move. His hands went for her balled fists and he pulled them from his body.

"Stop." But he could hardly recognize his voice. He choked on his words. "Liv-"

His attempt to speak only angered her more. She shoved her hands back at him, and the force of _both _their hands pushed him back a few inches. She started to pull from his grasp but he only held her tighter.

"Let_ go_ of me."

"_Olivia."_ He wouldn't ever let her go.

She was clearly losing control, because the sudden sob that broke from her fueled the fire and she started to tremble beneath him. Her hands started to thrash, and as Elliot met her eyes, one of his hands followed suit. He cupped her left cheek as his own tears fell.

She was so beautiful.

The crack of her hand across his face made him think otherwise, but only for a moment. Even as he cried, his hands found their way to her face. He ignored his own tears as he tried to stop hers.

He couldn't stand to see her like this. And the realization that he was doing this to her…

"Liv…" his shaking fingers ran across her lips. "I hate me too."

He didn't know what else to do. He didn't know what else to say.

So he kissed her.

Olivia only fell into him for a second, because after a moment she pushed her entire body into his and he flew to his left. His body smacked the wall and he finally opened his eyes.

"You think kissing me is going to make everything okay?"

The anger returned, and he narrowed his eyes at the detective. Who was she to say anything?

"_You_ kissed me first."

He knew it was a low blow…but it was true. He was just going to argue with her…he wasn't going to kiss her.

Not that he didn't want to. He just thought he should explain himself first. His actions may not show it, but his plan was to explain himself, get the help he needed, and _then_ kiss her.

Jesus. They always did things backwards.

"That's not fair."

What's not fair? Did he have any control over her actions?

"I didn't ask you to kiss me, Liv." He paused. "At least not out loud." He smiled to himself, and his shoulders started to relax.

He couldn't be mad at her for kissing him. He wanted it.

"You know what?" Olivia moved off her door, opening it she moved to the side. "You can go."

However, he could be angry now.

"What the hell, Liv?"

"Go."

He pushed himself off the wall and flinched at the pain it caused. His muscles were sore and there was only one person at fault for that.

"No." The word came out as a low growl as he stepped towards the now nervous detective. "I came here to talk to you."

"I don't want to hear it, Elliot," she told him as she moved away from the door.

"What the-" Elliot tested her again. He stepped forward. She moved back. "Are you –Olivia you _know_ me." His eyes flashed a deep shade of grey and he couldn't believe that Olivia of all people would be intimidated by him.

But then he remembered that she didn't know him anymore. Because he wasn't the same Elliot Stabler she was once partnered with. He changed.

He was a monster.

"Shit." Elliot backed up. "I'm sorry," he said as he subconsciously rubbed the bruise in his temple, as if reminding him just how fucked up he was. "I'm sorry," he repeated. "I shouldn't have come here."

He gave up. He couldn't do this. He couldn't fight for her when he could hardly fight for himself. So he turned away from the only thing he wanted back from his old life. He ignored the hand that reached out for his forearm.

He walked away.

"Elliot, wait."

He heard her, but he was far too gone. He took the stairs, because her elevator would take too long and if he didn't get away from her soon, he was going to break something.

He wasn't outside fifteen seconds before he was completely drenched from the cold rain of the night. His body screamed for him to go inside. He was aching both physically and mentally. His body had taken a well deserved beating and his heart…his heart. He just didn't care anymore. About anything. About himself.

He only cared about her…and she wanted nothing to do with him.

_I can hardly remember the look of my own eyes. How can I love this life so dishonest? It made me compromise. The hardest question to answer is why.  
><em>


	5. Chapter 5

So, really sorry about the delay. I had finals and then I had sat down to write this...but I couldn't find the words. This was a really hard chapter to write. Which is funny because the very scene below is the reason this story was every written. Anyways, once you read you will understand why it was so difficult. I also got distracted about half way through and watched EO videos which only depressed me more...hense the very, extremely, dark nature of this chapter. If it makes you feel any better, the next part, which is much more uplifting and sort of fluffy in an angsty broken EO way...is already written and will be up in the next few days. It was originally going to be part of this chapter, but agian, I would have been reaching close to 5,000 words and that's a lot of absorb at once.

I would really appreciate some feedback here. I've never written a character to do what...Olivia finds out Elliot did here...and although I had a lot of fun writing it (which is kind of sick really) I know it's a difficult subject for a lot of people to process. However I did hint at it last chapter...very briefly and only some people would catch on though. Just remember that this is an Angst/Romance story. So there will be angst, and romance.

Also I would give Where'd You Go by Fort Minor a listen. I imagine that in the show, this is how Kathy (will we ever see here again? lol not that I mind if we never did) she feels right now. In my EO head Elliot is gone, left his family, not just Liv, and has fallen off the deep end. Huh, sounds like this fic? Girl can dream ya know.

Hope everyone has a happy holiday!

* * *

><p>5<p>

_Look at my face you pierce with a blank stare. No dream could prepare a heart for a lifeless friend._

Elliot slammed the door to his cold, empty, and completely silent apartment. Only the sound of his ragged breath could be heard as he collapsed into his couch, his wet clothes soaking the material. He buried his face in his hands and silently begged himself to calm down. The hot tears were already falling but it didn't matter. Nobody was here to watch him fall apart.

The only thing he thought he had left in his life was gone…now he had royally fucked everything up. He wanted to talk to her, he wanted to explain it all, but she just wouldn't give him a chance. She wasn't about to listen, and she was far passed the stage of forgiveness…they were done. But he just couldn't figure it out. She was so livid; she took her key, she shoved him out of her apartment, practically spat at him…and then she kissed him. _She _kissed him. He was so caught off guard, so angry because she just wouldn't listen, that he could hardly respond. And when he finally did, she was pushing him away again.

He couldn't suppress the animosity for himself any longer. He jumped off his couch with a low growl as his left leg kicked his coffee table up and over on its side. His hand swept across the lamp on the far desk as he made his way to the nearest wall. He let everything out there. He screamed as he threw his fists through the broken dry wall, leaving a trail of his bloody knuckles in the cracks.

She had beat him with her fists until he had given her space, had smacked him across the face. She must have known. He was a monster.

His entire figure shook with the anger, the frustration, the hurt…

He heard the fists slamming into his door and knew immediately who it was. He considered ignoring it like she had but decided it was better to just scream at her until she left him for good. He was already yelling by the time he reached the door.

"What? You come to beat the hell out of me again?" He swung his door open and glared at her drenched form. "I'm not your punching bag!" he yelled as he stepped through the threshold of his doorway. "So just fuck off if that's all you-" but he paused as he noticed the steady flow of drops falling off her face and the sob that wrecked her entire body.

His face softened. "Liv?" he briefly wondered if it was worth trying to conceal his own salty streaks.

"You-" she stepped forward, shoving him roughly through his own door way. "I can't believe you would-" but she never finished.

Elliot followed her into his apartment and watched as she rummaged through his mess of a living space. He never bothered cleaning, it wasn't like he ever had company anyway. She started in the living room, taking apart the couch cushions. He followed her into the kitchen and leaned against the far counter by his fridge.

"What are you doing?"

She ignored his question and continued to search all the drawers and cabinets.

"Liv-"

He figured she didn't hear him though. She rushed out of the room and he decided it was just best to wait for an explanation from her for her actions. As he heard her tearing apart his bedroom though, an idea suddenly hit him. His hand subconsciously caressed his bruised temple as the warning bells went off. She couldn't have figured…

But his fears were confirmed as she re-entered the kitchen, this time holding his personal Sig229 handgun.

"Is this the only one?" she asked, practically screaming at him through her tears. Her shaking hands popped the clip out and double-checked the barrel.

Elliot was so focused on the tears that continued to flow down her botchy red face, that he had hardly heard her. His tongue caught in his throat. He was the reason for those tears.

"El…" she moved forward and placed the gun down on the counter to the right of Elliot, sliding the clip farther down the counter, "is that the only gun in this apartment?" she was trying to sound confident, but he could see right through her.

He swallowed hard. He could feel his face filling with deep beats of red. Nobody was supposed to know just how weak he was. Especially not Olivia. He could see it clearly on her face, the fear, the disappointment, the surprise. She knew it. She knew he was much farther than fucked up. He was monster…he was…

He was tired or hurting people.

"You shouldn't be here." his voice was hardly a whisper, so faint that if it wasn't for her clear reaction to his words he would have sworn he'd never said it.

Her eyes widened, and then narrowed at him. She jabbed a finger into his chest. "How could you even think of doing this?" her hand clutched the shirt on his body and he could feel her body trembling.

He did this to her.

"What about your family?"

He wanted to scream, he wanted to remind her that he no longer had a family. Fuck, he just wanted her to understand.

"What about me?"

He couldn't do this. He thought he could get her to understand, but he was only breaking her. He was bad for her. His hand that was clutching his counter fell forward, grabbing at her waist. He was intending on pushing her away but he felt another sob rock her fragile body. He could feel the tremors against his chest, along the side of her body.

"Liv," his voice spoke, and his eyes pleaded with her, "don't do this," he repeated her words from earlier. "Just go."

She laughed half heartily, her head shaking vigorously. "You think I'm going to leave now? I don't want to wake up to a phone call saying my partner decided to blow his head off!" she closed more distance between them and grasped the side of his head, pulling it down so she could better see the evidence of his weakness. "I mean -Jesus. You left a bruise…"

He glared at her before squeezing his eyes shut, letting the stray tears along the edge of his eyelids fall. He felt her lips brush the fading blue and he groaned. His fingers dug into her side before he roughly pushed her away from him.

"Stop it." His stern voice returned. "Get out of here," he hissed at her, his eyes narrow but pleading with her.

He didn't want her to see him like this.

"El-"

"You made it perfectly clear you wanted me gone earlier, what the fucking difference does it make now?"

He knew his blow couldn't get much lower than that, but he also knew that his words spoke truthfully. But he couldn't even meet her eyes after the surprised exhale of breath fell off of her lips. He forced himself off of the counter as he harshly brushed passed her and into his destroyed living room. He walked around his couch and reached behind the upper side of his coffee table that currently stood on his side. From there he pulled out his 9mm Glock, and he dropped out the clip just as he heard her strangled gasp from across the room. He pulled back the slide and then pulled the trigger at the floor. With the faint click he tossed the unloaded gun onto the couch and looked up.

"My other gun is in the glove compartment of my car. Want to go empty that one out as well?" he moved forward, shoved the clip into Olivia's chest and headed toward his door. As he pulled it roughly open he pointed at her. "And while you're at it go ahead and tell the world that Elliot Stabler is the biggest fuck up in New York, 'cause I can promise you a doctor won't be fixing me any time soon."

Olivia threw the clip on the couch along side with its corresponding gun. She moved forward toward the door but pushed Elliot away from it. She closed it quietly before turning back to him. "Why didn't you talk to me?" she asked, her voice full of the pain inside of her.

"I..." he knew it hurt her, knowing that he didn't go to her, but he at the time he felt like nobody, not even his partner of twelve years, could understand his actions. He killed a little girl. There was no justifying that.

"You think I wouldn't understand, Elliot? I was there that day. I was in the room with you."

He laughed at that. "You didn't pull the trigger, did you?"

"I would have." There was no hesitation in her voice.

He cringed at the thought of her taking the shot that day. He could hardly believe she could say something like that. She was willing to kill a child? She didn't know what it was like to have the guilt follow you every day. It took him years to get over it the first time…but after Jenna, he just couldn't do it anymore. He's killed two kids to keep her safe. The first one, although he didn't put a bullet in him, he may as well have.

He was a fucking monster. So selfish, that at so much as a hint of any danger toward his partner, he would do anything, even _kill_, to make sure she stayed safe. He let a little boy down that day, and because of him he was killed. And Jenna…after Jenna he couldn't even look at Olivia without seeing the clear disappointment in her eyes.

Jenna was about to surrender the gun…he could have persuaded her more. He could have done something, anything, but shoot her. Hell, she was about to kill a guy who was already in jail. He killed innocence for the guilty?

Only a monster, somebody as guilty as the one behind bars, would do that.

"Talk to me, El." She was begging him. He could see the wheels turning in her head, the exhaustion in her features. He was emotionally ruining her.

"What do you want me to say, Olivia? I tried to apologize and you pushed me away. Tried to explain but you told me to leave. I tried coming to you." he paused and ran a hand across his face. "I'm done trying," he told her. "You can let yourself out," he finished, raising his hands in defeat.

But Olivia jumped forward, grabbing both of his wrists and pulling them toward her. "What did you?" she glanced over at the crumbled wall of his hallway. "Dammit, El!" she pulled on his hands, and eventually he gave in and followed her to the kitchen.

He tensed at the burning sensation as she ran his knuckles under a spray of warm water. The dried, cracked blood fell from his hands and headed down his drain. He cringed. He was a monster.

"I see your violent side hasn't gone anywhere. What do you do, beat something up whenever you're angry?"

"I'm not-"

"If I put a gun to my head every time I was upset these past nine months I would be dead by now."

"Stop talking like that," he growled, his voice low. "Sorry to ruin your parade and all, but I think we both get it by now. I fucked up, and I'm paying for it. I'm broken, and I don't know what to do with myself. We both see that I'm a monster and whatever, but I don't think it's something to turn into a joke."

"Jesus, El!" She reached up, forcefully turning his face toward hers. "You think I'm joking about this? What the hell would I have done? You leave without a word to anybody and then a few months later I have to go tell your kids that you've taken your own life?"

"I wasn't-" he paused, trying to imagine his kids reaction. "I was having a bad day."

"Bad day? One bad day and you put a bruise in your temple?"

"Olivia, I don't think you realize how messed up I am right now. God, you have no idea!"

She turned to him, the warm spray of water forgotten. "Why didn't you try and get some help? You just walked out on everything. On everyone."

She didn't understand.

"Liv-"

"You act like you're the only one hurting, Elliot. For nine months I thought my partner had just given up on me."

His insides turned. He could never give up on her. He gave up on himself. "Liv-"

"I later learn that not only did you leave your job, but you divorced your wife-"

"Wait a-" but she held her hand up. She quickly brushed the fresh tears from her eyes as she breathed in deeply.

"-and that you haven't contacted anybody in months. I didn't know what to think. You could have been lying dead somewhere and I didn't-"

"_Olivia_." he couldn't take it anymore. He took his burning hands from the sink and pulled Olivia into him. She fell forward and the force knocked them back into the counter. His left hand fell across the counter, causing a dish to fall to the floor and break, but he hardly noticed. He reached over and turned the water off before wrapping his arms around her.

Even with her face burrowed in the front of chest he could hear her trying to fight with him. "I come to find out my partner went off the deep end," she mumbled into his shirt, "and didn't take me with him."

He squeezed, pulling her as tightly into him as he could. He hoped she was able to breathe, and he heard her sigh contently as he buried his head into the crook of her neck. "Liv…" he spoke softly, his lips against her warm neck, "I'm so sorry." he wished his voice wouldn't break, that his emotions wouldn't show around her. But he missed her so much, and today he's seen sides of her he's never seen before.

For the first time in thirteen years, he had felt the lips of his long time partner. It wasn't under the best of circumstances, but that didn't matter. All that mattered was _she _kissed _him,_and now his suspicions were confirmed. He just hoped he could bury the hole he's dug and start something fresh with her.

_It's midnight's late reminder of t__he loss of her and the one I love. __My will to quickly end it all set front row in my need to fall..._


	6. Chapter 6

Ah, longest chapter yet I think. Also...it might be the last, but that's up to you. I'll be honest, I'm pretty bummed out with the lack of reviews and alerts from the last chapter. That was a difficult chapter to write, let along post so I'm pretty discouraged. Nevertheless, I had already written this so here it is. The good thing though is things have finally started to lighten up between the two. If there is another chapter after this, it will probably be Olivia's POV about the progress they've made and her analyzing whatever it is they have going on. It's coming to a close, but I've got another SVU story going right now so I feel like this isn't the end :p. Not for my EO writing anyway.

* * *

><p>6<p>

After what seemed like an eternity of silence, Olivia released her arms from around Elliot's midsection and tried to back up. Elliot, however, wasn't ready to let go. He only tightened his arms around her waist and when Olivia narrowed her eyes at him, he returned the gesture.

"Not letting you go yet."

Her eyes glazed over a shade a deep brown and he took that as permission to explore some. His left hand moved up her body and lightly traced the curve of her jaw as his eyes found her lips. He was waiting for a move from her but she still remained still. For the past hour they had fought and he had tried to explain...but he was getting nowhere with words. He just didn't know where to begin.

As his hand travelled up and across her cheek, he was surprised to find her eyes had closed. His right hand came up to finger through her thick hair, and she finally made a move. It was soft, simple, but he felt the tension leave her body as she leaned into him, their bodies now in full contact again.

"I missed you so much, Olivia." His voice broke as he felt her flinch against him. He wondered what was going through her mind right now…how she was feeling. And he was so confused. One minute she's angry, but the next minute she's kissing him. And then she's crying, screaming at him, telling him to leave. Next she's barging into his apartment, tearing apart everything in search of his guns. Then she's in his arms again, and she's no longer angry, but concerned, hurt, confused and…

He wanted to take it all away from her. He wanted to be angry for thinking he had left her to go take his life…when in all honesty he was leaving because she had asked him too. He was going to blow off some steam and figure it all out. Then he was going to go back and demand she listen to him.

He really had no right be angry with her for accusations. Especially when she had a point and proof. He's been in a bad place ever since the shooting, and not having Olivia with him wasn't helping at all. He _knew_ from the times he had seen her that she was hurting. And he knew it was because of him…but instead of facing his demons he hid them away and chose to blame everybody else. He had convinced himself that he didn't mean anything to her, or to anyone.

He had convinced himself that his life wasn't worth living. He was tired of being angry all the time, tired of feeling guilty, tired of wishing he had her when he didn't. He was just tired of everything. And that day two weeks ago…he was so weak, so distraught, and so confused…he had actually put a loaded gun to his head.

* * *

><p><em>For the first time in nine months, Elliot woke up feeling generally good about himself. About his life. He rolled out of bed and made his way across the room and into his still unfamiliar bathroom. He had been living in his apartment just over six months and he still hated it.<em>

_It just wasn't home for him._

_It wasn't that he didn't mind living alone. He was glad to be out in his old place but the only place he really wanted to be was with her._

_She was his home._

_And Elliot was thinking that today...maybe today was the day he would finally go see her. For the first time, he finally felt that he was able to face his demons._

_So for the first time in...he couldn't remember...he shaved his face. It hurt like hell, though. He hadn't grown out his facial hair in years. At one time he had regulations to hold. Now though, he had nothing. Because he was a monster._

_But maybe...maybe he wasn't as bad a person as he thought._

_While Elliot showered, he tried to work out just what he would say to Olivia when he finally saw her. After all, it had been nine months since the last time he saw her face to face._

_Hell, she's probably forgotten about him. He would try to get through to her though because he needed her in his life. Especially right now._

_He went over the scenarios in his head._

_Hey Liv...I'm sorry I disappeared on you. I'm okay though. Sort of._

_Hey Liv...sorry about my sudden absence. I've kind of gone off the deep end._

_Hey Liv...I'm a monster. I killed a little girl. Will you forgive me?_

_Olivia...I'm completely in love with you. But can you love somebody whose killed two children to keep you safe?_

_Who the hell was he kidding? She's probably doing just fine without him in her life. I mean...did she even know he was divorced?_

_Shit...she didn't know anything._

_He had to see her though. If anything, she deserved an explanation. Elliot had to try._

_He needed to fight through himself for her._

_But as Elliot rummaged through his clothes for something...anything...decent to wear, a picture fell out of his old pants pocket._

_A picture of the girl he killed._

* * *

><p>He remembered what had triggered the sudden anguish from within him. He had made an effort to avoid her at all costs…the case, her family, her name…he had run from it all and he wasn't planning on looking back. Not until he felt that he could handle it. He had chosen to drop everything in his life because somehow they were all connected to her. To Jenna.<p>

His fingers were dancing across her eyelids now, as if he were memorizing every inch of her face. He was, though. He needed to feel everything in order to know that this was real...that this was actually happening. He wished somebody would pinch him.

"Liv..." He leaned down and let his lips graze the top of her forehead. "Is this real?"

She opened her eyes then. She looked into the blue orbs staring back at her, and to his surprise her hand was moving from his chest, up toward his own exhausted face. He couldn't conceal the shiver that rocked his entire body as he felt her delicate fingers trace the permanent lines of his jaw. He wished she wouldn't notice those things about him. The lines that deepened with every day he was without her, the wrinkles that revealed the pure exhaustion he had with life and anything about it. He had given up on it all.

But she had somehow found him, like always.

"I seriously hope so, El. If this isn't real then my dreams are starting to torture me. You've never felt so real before."

He couldn't even think about the fact that she just revealed that just like him, he haunted her dreams as well. For the last nine months his eyelids told him horror stories of how he had lost her, how he didn't pull his own trigger and so she pulled hers instead. About how she had to deal with the nightmares and the guilt of killing a child. On his bad nights he would dream that although he did pull the trigger, he was too late and that Jenna had already taken Olivia away from him. And the few good nights consisted of Olivia beneath him, dancing to the rhythm of their own heartbeats. They were together, and there was no looming guilt of a dead child.

Every morning though, he would wake up to his reality. He was in an empty bed, and he had killed a little girl.

Still though, he was glad to take on the responsibility. Because just as his dreams told him, he knew that if he had waited a second longer to pull the trigger, she would have. And he would never wish this sick level of pain on her.

"El..."

He knew she was waiting for a move from him, but he wasn't yet finished soaking her in. And honestly he wasn't sure what she waiting for. If it were up to him, he would close the distance and showher just how sorry he was…but he was afraid of rejection right now. He wasn't sure what she wanted.

He also knew that right now was probably not the best time to take things to another level with her, but fuck him if the wait hadn't been long enough. He wanted to get better first, he wanted to be normal again...but he wanted so badly to be with her.

"Liv...I'm really messed up right now."

Right now, he could only be honest with her. Give her the opportunity to walk away, because God knows he's not going to be better any time soon. He doesn't sleep, and when he does, he has nightmares. He can't talk to anybody...hell, Olivia was the first person he's talked to in months.

The night of the shooting, he went home and for the first time ever, he tried to talk to Kathy about what had happened. He was in a completely different zone though, and as he described Jenna and what she had been through, he found himself referring to his wife as Olivia. He was so out of it he never noticed her get up from the table and leave. He did, however, come back to reality when she returned and slid papers across the table to him.

* * *

><p><em>"Sign them."<em>

_He didn't even have to read it to know what he was signing. And he didn't think twice of it._

_"You killed somebody tonight. Somebody our daughters age...and even though it was justifiable...maybe you should leave for a while and figure yourself out. The kids will be here when you get back."_

_The mention of his kids had set him off though. The last thing he needed was to lose his kids, and fuck her if she thought that him doing his job was reason enough to take them from him. After his string of curse words, and a pointless rant on how she could never make him leave. She tucked the signed papers away._

_"You're broken, Elliot. You're lost. I may not know much about you anymore but I can tell that you are about to lose it. Take a break and find the help you need."_

_He wasn't ready to admit defeat again in one day though. So he tried a different angle with her. He tried to explain that he would get better with her, that they could work through it together. As a family._

_"I would be lying if I told you I were happy right now, and so would you. We both know this wasn't working. It hasn't been for years. Now is the time. Go get better, and think about what's important in your life...I'll be here, as your friend, when you come back."_

_And so he left that night, but not before he kissed every one of his kids as they slept, peaceful and without a clue. He packed a bag of clothes and asked Kathy to explain what had happened, and to let them know he would be back soon._

_Elliot drove to Don's house and pounded on his door, ignoring the fact that it was well after four in the morning. He handed him his papers and without explaining himself, asked that he look out for Olivia._

_He left town, left his family, left her, and drove to a place where he could break down without anybody noticing him._

* * *

><p>"Elliot," Olivia said his name across his left cheek, and he was brought back to reality, "I know you're hurting. Let me help you."<p>

"How?" he asked softly. "How can you help me? Why would you want to? I killed-"

"You had to."

His hands fell to her shoulders as he tensed, an emotionless laugh falling off of his lips. "I didn't, I could have-"

"She practically emptied the clip on us before you got to your gun! You didn't have a choice, El. She was going to shoot him and you had your gun…there was no other option."

"She was a kid! Jenna was fifteen!"

"You didn't have a-" she pulled his face back toward hers, forcing him to look at her. "If I had my gun on me, I would have taken the shot long before she even noticed he was there. Before she had killed all of those innocent people."

"How can you..." his voice trailed off as a fresh tear started its way down Olivia's cheek. His left hand reached up to rid of it, and travelled behind her ear, into her thick hair. "How can you say that?"

"It's part of the job. Sometimes we have to make decisions we don't like. Although it may seem _wrong_, killing a fifteen year old girl for a man behind bars…you had to. He had no way of defending himself. It's the job."

His eyes fell closed as he sighed and let his lower back relax into his counter. He felt Olivia step closer, pushing her body farther into him and he had to will himself to stay calm. She has never once been this close before and he couldn't help but wonder if she was reacting the same way he was.

"You're not going to blame yourself anymore, El. I'm going to get you better. We'll work through this." Elliot opened his mouth to speak but a finger silenced his lips. "I haven't figured out how yet," she spoke for him.

His right hand lifted off of his shoulder and his fingers traced the outlines of her delicate lips. "Okay," he said softly against her finger and she lowered it. "I..." but he didn't have anything else to say. He honestly wasn't sure if anybody or anything could help him at this point but he would be lying if he didn't admit that just having Olivia here with him had him feeling a whole lot better than before.

He was the stupidest guy on earth. He shouldn't have shut her out. Of all people, she would have understood.

"El..." Olivia interrupted his apologetic thoughts. "I know you're trying to be modest here, but I really don't think it's fair…" she trailed off as her eyes travelled up to the lips that were only inches from hers. "I pushed you away because I didn't know what was going on with you," she explained, "I-"

But he didn't need to hear anymore. He immediately let his lips graze across hers before pressing them firmly down. He nearly choked as he breathed in the scent he had missed so much and he pulled her flush against him. With one hand still entangled in her hair, his other trailed across her cheek before making its way down and around her neck.

"Therapy," she broke contact for a moment but Elliot pushed forward.

He wasn't done yet.

He didn't want to talk anymore. He figured he was better off speaking to her this way, anyhow. His tongue swept across her lower lip and Olivia immediately opened up to him, a faint moan falling from her lips as the hand on his chest clutched to his shirt. He could feel the warmth of her other hand laying softly against his cheek, motionless.

"Two-" He groaned at the absence of her lips and tried pulling her back to him but she resisted. "Therapy at least twice a week," she spoke, slightly breathless.

He was focused on her flushed cheeks and the way her lips were slightly parted but he nodded. "Okay, fine."

"I'm serious-"

"I am too." He wasn't wasting another second though. His lips fell on hers again and this time he didn't hold back.

He was sure that this was a new beginning for him…for her…for _them_, and he couldn't be happier about it. And he knew it wasn't going to be easy, hell they would have to break him apart completely before he could start to rebuild himself, but he couldn't help but think that this -having Olivia here with him- was a step in the right direction.


End file.
